THE PLIGHT OF THE LONESOME COWBOY by Ralph Zeigler His breakfast had been Sow Belly That was used to flavor the beans The song in his heart had been stifled By the aroma that arose from his jeans Then his bowels foretold the arrival Of more than the tumult of gas He sat real tight in the saddle, Hoping the misery would pass Snow caps were on the Sage Brush And cactus was everywhere Waiting to prick the unwary That did not squat with a care He faced a momentous decision Shoud he trust this moment to chance And squat in the Cactus and Sage Brush? Or carry this home in his pants?
by Ralph Zeigler
One eyed Slim got drunk one night, and got his innards plugged up tight. He'd had troubles times before/ spent hours behind a privy door. But this time tho with many a groan he could not bring that feces home. He'd had this problem for a week, he hurt so bad he could not speak. Then one night to Bud and Jim confided what was wrong with him "Eat lots of beans," Bud did say/ "the beans will blast the plug away." They only gave him violent pants/ and a putrid odor in his pants. At last Slim told the Ranch house cook/ who checked the recipies in his book Not one recipie made Old Slim Pass/ from prunes to boiled chickweed alas. Now there was this China man so weird/ that he'd even comb and part his beard Some said he'd studied ills one time/ sort of like a doctor's line This Yellow man chewed on hiw Que/ said there's a way that you can do This thing that you are fixin to -- "Get a gallon drum or better three/ and hang it in that big oak tree Fill it with water warm as rain/ with soap enough to ease the pain Make a siphon with a hose/ you know where the free end goes" They hung that drum high in the tree/ the cowboys hung around to see How soapy water wet and warm/ could make Ol' Slim's bowels perform Jim with hose the opening found/ on Slim's behind there on the ground Bud says it probably will be tough/ to know when Slim has had enough. Ten whole minutes water found/ its way into Slim on the ground Then suddenly Silm shakes loose the hose/ there is a blast and he goes and goes Til Bud says there's no way to win/ unless we drive a bung plug in There was ten acres of new hay/ that Slim fertilized that day For that the boss gave extra pay/ but who would want to earn this way The moral you should think about/ what you take in you must let out.
OLD LIGHTNING by Ralph Zeigler Our Bitch got in the family way She had six puts the natural way But this pup came the second day Old Lightning never hurried You could take her out the door And walk until your feet were sore Returned she'd do things on the floor Old Lightning never hurried We sent her for a calf astray She didn't come back all that day She brought that young Bull in next May Old Lightning never hurried She tracked a black bear to his door But that old bear was there no more He'd used that cave a year before Old Lightning never hurried She got to heaven so darn late That they had closed the golden Gate She bedded down content to wait Old Lightning can't be hurried